


Countdown

by loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (but s8 never happened), Angst, Bittersweet, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Not a Happy Story, Post-Canon, Soft Plance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 15:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17348012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS/pseuds/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS
Summary: All it takes is one moment to shatter your entire world.





	Countdown

**Author's Note:**

> *deep breath* alright… not my preferred angst at all, but 2019 is my year of trying new things. but even so, this’ll likely be the first and last time i ever write something like this. 
> 
> post s7 future fic where lance is a defender and none of the nasty parts of s8 exist
> 
> (also, writing baby babble is hard!)

“There. Job well done.”

Pidge looked at her handiwork of dusting off the shelves on the wall and set her hands on her hips with a satisfied sigh. She’d been cleaning all morning and afternoon, and the results of her work were finally starting to show. Her countless books had been properly arranged on her bookcase, she’d dusted and cleaned everything to near perfection, dishes completely washed, bathroom scrubbed of filth, rugs vacuumed, but above all that, she’d folded and hung all of the errant clothes in her bedroom and put them in their proper place.

( _And_ she’d replaced the sheets with silk, but that wasn’t so much an effort to clean as it was for homecoming hanky panky).

“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Look!”

Pidge set down her duster as her freckled son came tearing out of the hallway in a dinosaur onesie. Diego’s blue eyes were wide and bright with excitement, and he came barrelling into her legs, his face crashing into her large tummy and he pressed his ear to it. She had to steel herself before she nearly lost her balance, but she sighed fondly, running a hand through his curly brown locks and resigning herself to the fact that Diego was going to keep doing this to her. He’d gotten really attached to her pregnant belly lately. She could just tell he was going to be a great big brother to Sofia when she arrived.

Pidge grunted a bit as she stooped to lift him by the armpits and set him on her hip. For a three year old, he was already a little big, and it was hard to manoeuver him on her hip when he couldn’t really latch on since her abdomen was so large now. In about a few weeks, she probably wouldn’t be able to pick him up at all.

“What do you want to show me, sweet baby boy?” He held up the crayon drawing in his hand in front of her face so she could see it. She could make out some multi-legged creature and what looked like a spaceship firing off missiles. “Ooh, this is very nice. What’s it supposed to be?”

“Papa fighting a tawy ‘pider in a wocketship!”

“Scary spider,” Pidge enunciated slowly, moving her mouth in an exaggerated way so he could understand the way the sound was supposed to be formed. She repeated it again as Diego stared at her. “Look at my mouth, sweetie. Scary.”

“Thcawy?”

“Spider.”

“Thpider!”

“Eh, close enough…” she muttered, bumping him up on her hip more when he slid down some.

It made Pidge happy to know he admired his father so much, although it made her want to laugh, because as far as she was concerned, the bug killer in the family was _her_. Lance was terrified of them and she’d seen him freak out more than once over cockroaches and spiders more often than not. But still, Diego’s father was his hero, and it warmed her heart.

“Papa will love your drawing. I’ll put it right on the fridge so it’s the first thing he sees when he comes home.”

“Yeah! Put it on the fwids!”

“ _Yeah_!” She nuzzled his nose with hers. “I want you to put away your arts and crafts and wash up for dinner, okay? You’ve been good so we can eat in front of the TV today.”

“Yay!”

She pressed a soft kiss to his plush cheek and then set the boy down and he took off running towards to the bathroom. Pidge ran a hand through her short hair, breathing in and out slowly as her abdomen cramped up a bit uncomfortably. She rubbed the swell, trying to appease her kicking baby and crooning softly to her abdomen. She hated these dumb contractions. They were annoying when they sprung up out of nowhere, but she supposed that was a sign that she should stop working and actually get some rest, as mandated by her OB.

Pidge laughed to herself as she clicked on the TV and picked up her cleaning supplies to take them back to the hall closet.

Lance would be irritated if he actually found out she didn’t take her maternity leave until the week before, at practically eight months and pretty large. But he would definitely be appeased by her cleaning up the apartment for once. It wasn’t perfect and she couldn’t reach every nook and cranny on account of Matt and Veronica literally Pidge proofing every and any surface she could climb up on. She didn’t understand why everyone was so overprotective (though she definitely suspected Lance was responsible), but trying to fight their iron will was useless and she long since learned to give up.

Pidge had never really believed in the whole nesting thing, but she was _cleaning_ , something she absolutely loathed with a burning passion, so it had to be real in some ways.

Although, to be honest, she’d been cleaning so much because her nerves were so shot.

They had been since Shiro’s crew had to cut all communications off for their covert mission, but a couple days ago, this creepy, foreboding feeling had travelled down her spine and refused to dissipate so she’d been pretty on edge. She refused to dwell on it and decided not to read about any of the Defenders’ missions while she was on her leave, so she’d immersed herself in tasks in their home instead.

Truth be told, it helped a little bit. But now her anticipation for Lance’s return was much more intense.

“Right. Now, to feed my mini gremlin.”

She heard a soft thump as she headed back to the kitchen to wash her hands, and upon inspection, noticed that one of the photos on the shelf in the living room had fallen. She picked it up, noting that it was her favourite photo of her with Lance, Diego, and her giant pregnant tummy. Pidge put it back in its place with a frown.

They’d taken it before he left to go on his mission with Shiro, back when she’d been three months along, but showing like she was seven. It’d been hard to say goodbye that time, particularly because Diego wanted to go with him. And Pidge had been missing him something fierce, especially since this was the second time she had to go through most of her pregnancy without him. Not talking to him for so long was stressful too. She relied on Lance to keep her spirits up when she got in her moods, but she couldn’t communicate with him for the time being, and it was hard to deal with that.

Her phone vibrated and she unearthed it from the couch cushions, brows lifting in surprise when she realised she’d missed over twenty calls from various people while she’d been focused on cleaning. Matt, her mom, her father, Veronica, numbers she recognised from the Garrison.

She was fixing to call her mother back, but someone rang the doorbell and she sighed as she headed over.

“Coming!” she called out, though she was annoyed at whoever had the audacity to bother her when she had been just about to crash on her couch and cuddle with her kid.

Matt was standing in the doorway when she opened it, a grave look on his face and his breathing ragged, like he’d run all the way to her apartment without stopping. His eyes were bloodshot, and he walked in before she could even really register that something was horribly wrong.

“M-Matt? What’s wrong?” She felt uneasy staring up at him, swallowing tightly as he turned to face her with a pained look on his face. “You’re freaking me out a little. Everything okay?”

“Pidge… There’s been…” He ran a hand through his hair, exhaling shakily. “It’s about the Defenders mission… Lance, he…”

_“…And in unfortunate news regarding the Defenders mission to the Prellax Planet, we have come to learn that one casualty has been confirmed.”_

The words drifted into Pidge’s ears, and she turned her head slowly to the TV playing the broadcast. Lance’s Defender portrait appeared on the screen. The word deceased was pasted underneath it in bright red block letters.

She stopped breathing.

_“Captain Lance McClain unfortunately did not survive the attack and passed away in transport back to Earth. In an act of true bravery, the lead pilot of the Gunderson II destroyed the core of the Prellax battleship in order to save his teammates. Commander Takashi Shirogane, Head Engineer Lieutenant Nadia Rizavi, and Tech and Communications Specialist Lieutenant Ryan Kinkade are currently receiving treatment for their critical injuries en route and cannot be reached for additional comment.”_

“Pidge…” Matt said weakly.

She ignored him, her eyes widening as she stared at the screen. Her heartbeat pounded in her ear. She clutched her chest, her breathing coming out in short pants, but no air was filling her lungs.

Pidge shook her head slowly, a choked sound leaving her mouth.  “No…”

_“It goes without saying that we have suffered the loss of a very talented pilot who has had a remarkable career. McClain was a notable pilot and beloved by many for his past as a paladin of Voltron who once saved Earth. The young man leaves behind his wife, Katie Holt-McClain, the engineer behind the Gunderson II, a son, and a daughter on the way…”_

“Please no… no, no, no…” she whimpered, her hands covering her face as she took trembling breaths. Everything around her blurred from the tears welling in her eyes. “Lance, please… _no_!”

“Pidge, I’m so sorry,” Matt said from somewhere beside her, his shaking hand reaching out for her. 

Lance couldn’t be dead.

He just couldn’t.

He’d promised her he’d come home safely!

_“I think I can speak for all of us when we say my condolences to his family and friends for their loss. We wish you all our prayers in this difficult time.”_

And something in Pidge snapped apart.

She broke down, her legs giving out under her as Matt quickly rushed to catch her. She wailed in anguish, shaking her head and screaming until her throat was hoarse and her whole body wracked with harsh, convulsing shudders. Matt held her close and rocked her, tears tumbling down his own face as he muttered ‘I’m so sorry’ over and over again. All she could see was that picture with that horrible word underneath it.

The love of her life.

Her soulmate.

Her home.

He was gone.

 

…

 

_“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you~ Happy birthday, dear Diegoooo… Happy birthday to you~” Lance sang over the screen, and when he was done, Diego clapped while Pidge yay’ed and behind her chair, Matt chuckled. “How was your party?”_

_“Good! Mommy got me a wocketship! I can fwy wike you. An’ I found a wat and keeped it.”_

_“Of all the unsanitary…” Lance gave her an alarmed cocked brow, a perfect picture of a ‘what the fuck’ expression. “…He’s keeping a rat, Pidge?”_

_She snorted, knowing Lance was worried since Diego tended to wander around everywhere and pick up the worse things. She’d taken him to the park on the weekend and somehow, he’d managed to find a clump of dog poo and brought it over to all the parents, inciting mass chaos. It had definitely given Lance a good laugh hearing about it, but their son was very fearless and inquisitive. Nothing fazed him and every day, he brought back something from preschool that had no business being brought back._

_“It was dead under the laundry machine. And don’t worry, it’s been disposed of.” She shifted Diego a bit on her lap so he wasn’t resting on her lower abdomen and then smoothed his hair back, dropping a soft kiss on his ear. “You just love giving me grief, don’t you, sweet baby boy?”_

_Diego gave her a sleepy, toothy grin that 100% reminded her of Lance and leaned his head back on her shoulder. His eyes were slow to open when he blinked and she knew he was too tired now. It was well past his bedtime, but Lance only had a small window of communication time and he’d made an effort to try to catch them on their son’s birthday._

_“Good to know.” Lance smiled again. “And I’m glad you had fun, buddy. I’m so sorry for not being there, but Papa’s gonna get you the best green alien present ever.”_

_“Gween pwesent?” he yawned, trying his best to keep his eyes open._

_“You know it! Do you know how old you are now? Count up for me.”_

_Diego looked down at his hand and pulled up one finger and then another one._

_“Uhh… one, two… five… six…” He turned to Pidge in slight distress and held up two fingers. She chuckled to herself and lifted another one of his small digits so it could be three. “Thwee! I’m thwee!”_

_Pidge, Lance, and Matt started laughing and Diego looked at them like he didn’t understand what was so funny._

_“That’s right, mijo. You’re a big boy now. You’re the man of the house. You have to take care of your Mommy for me while I’m gone, okay? Make sure she smiles.”_

_He nodded, though his lips turned down into a small pout. “Can you come home soon?”_

_Something passed in Lance’s gaze that made Pidge frown, but whatever it was disappeared too quickly for her to take in full. She knew Lance felt guilty all the time. She knew he wanted to be there for his son and with his family but the countdown to the day he finally was done and came back to them couldn’t be any slower._

_“I have one more thing left to do in space,” Lance said softly, a sad smile on his lips. “But as soon as it’s done, I’ll come home as fast as possible.”_

_“Pwomise?”_

_“I promise, Diego.”_

_Satisfied with the answer, Diego curled up on Pidge’s lap, rubbing his eyes with one of his sleeves. He stuck his thumb in his mouth, smiling sleepily into her neck._

_“Alright, this little lamb chop needs to go to bed,” Pidge murmured, patting his leg before he fell asleep. “Say goodnight to Papa, sweetheart.”_

_“Goodnight to Papa…” Diego yawned with a giggle while waving at the screen._

_“Goodnight, buddy. Daddy loves you.”_

_“I wove you too, Papa.”_

_Pidge smoothed a hand over his rusty brown locks and kissed him on the forehead. She glanced at Matt and he came to pick Diego off her lap, lifting him up gingerly to tuck him into his arms. By the time Diego rested his head on Matt’s shoulder, he was out like a light, sucking his thumb and breathing deeply._

_“Take him back to the apartment please. I have to finish checking some calibrations, but I’ll try to get home before dawn breaks.” Pidge stopped Matt before he walked away though. “If he wakes up, no bedtime stories about Voltron this time, you hear? He keeps asking for a lion for Christmas and I know he doesn’t mean a stuffed one.”_

_Lance chuckled, clearly finding it amusing, though when she shot him a look, he stifled his laughter and started whistling and pretending he wasn’t listening on._

_Matt looked sheepish. “Sorry. You two won’t tell him more stories about how you saved the universe, so I will.”_

_“I mean it, Matt. The lions disappeared years ago, but he thinks Green or Blue will come back if he wishes hard enough for them.”_

_“Roger that, Pidgey Pie,” Matt said with a small salute, completely flippant._

_Pidge watched them leave the broadcast room with a suspicious look on her face before turning back to face Lance. She leaned back in her chair and rubbed her belly absentmindedly._

_“I’ve been gone for three months and you already turned our son into a snarker.”_

_“I know. Isn’t it great!” Pidge said playfully. “You get two sass masters to bug you now. And when our little bean comes, you’ll have three.”_

_Lance shook his head in faux disgust. “You evil little woman.”_

_“Your price to pay for choosing to defend the universe.” Pidge yawned a bit. “I get to teach the babies whatever the hell I want.”_

_He grinned. “Well, that’s not too much of a bad thing. You’re a great mother. And an even better wife for putting up with my frequent absences.”_

_“For better or worse, right?” Pidge rotated the band on her finger with a small smile. “Besides, I know you’d do the same if our situations were reversed. And this has always been your dream. I’m not curb stomping it.”_

_“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”_

_“Hmmm, no. I don’t think so?”_

_“You’re amazing, Katie Holt-McClain,” Lance said softly. “Too amazing for me.”_

_“Lance…”_

_It didn’t matter how many sappy things he said to her, it always made her heart pound wildly in her chest. Moments like these, she truly wished he was around so she could hold him close. So she could kiss him and feel the warmth and strength of his arms around her. So she could share all of Sofia’s little kicks and punches fluttering around in her womb with him._

_She missed him so much._

_The back of her eyes stung with tears, but she let out a slow breath to hide it before Lance picked up on her changing mood._

_“Can’t help but notice you haven’t shaved in a while,” she said, trying to take her mind off her melancholy._

_“Got a little tiresome being so meticulous with my routine. Shiro and Kinkade pretty much have the same thoughts. I don’t even think Rizavi has shaved her legs in all these months. Her legs are almost as bushy as your eyebrows now.” Pidge cracked up and started laughing and Lance snorted and rubbed at the hair covering his chin. “Do you like my beard?”_

_She nodded. “Not sure how it’ll feel between my legs, but it’s fresh. Classy. Sexy even, from certain angles.”_

_“Really? You’re going to bring up my favourite place in the world when I can’t even experience it right now? You really are evil.”_

_She was fixing to say something even dirtier, but a contraction hit her and she frowned, leaning forward and breathing in and out slowly as she rode out the wave. This one had been a little painful, like her period cramps back in her teens._

_“You okay, babe?” Lance asked in concern._

_She chugged some water from her bottle. “Yeah. It’s just the usual. This one kind of hurt though.”_

_“How often have they been? You think you’re in preterm labour?”_

_“Not at seven months. And this is the first one since two days ago. I’m good. This meatloaf’s almost done baking in my oven.” She lovingly rubbed the swell of her tummy, relishing in the little thumps from her baby’s active legs. She just knew Sofia was going to be tall. She was already pretty big. Call it maternal instinct, but from the way her pregnancy felt, her little bean would be another tall one, which annoyed her to all hell because Diego was also projected to be tall. “I’m just ready to meet our baby girl.”_

_“Wait, meatloaf?” Lance snickered. “What the hell’s a meatloaf? It’s bun in the oven.”_

_Her eyes narrowed. “What? No its not.”_

_“Yes it is! Bun in the oven. Who the hell taught you it was meatloaf?”_

_“Matt did! That’s how I’ve always—! Matt, you fucking turd,” she growled under her breath. For years, she’d thought it was meatloaf. She was going to clobber him. “W-well I think meatloaf is cuter!”_

_“Oh my God, he set you up so good! That is a long time to set up a prank. Must be worth the wait.” Lance laughed long and hard, his cackles echoing around the broadcast room and Pidge glowered at him as he wiped his eyes. “Fuck. I miss you.”_

_“Three more months, Lance. And then I’m getting my revenge on you.”_

_He sighed, sobering up as he scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Hopefully.”_

_“…What do you mean?”_

_“You remember how there were those kidnappings happening near Prellax that I mentioned? Well… Shiro found a lead on where they are. We think we’ve found those lost scientists. We’ll be staging a rescue mission soon to get them back to their planets, but the group that did it is kind of nasty, Pidge.”_

_“I understand.” She nodded, swallowing down her apprehension. She hated it when his missions ended up getting extended, but she didn’t want him worrying about her. “Is there anything you need me to do on my end?”_

_“Aside from getting some rest, no.” He scratched the back of his head and stared at something off to the side as if he couldn’t really look her in the eye. “But… I won’t be in contact the rest of the mission. We’re going dark, Pidge. We’ll have to cut off all communications to keep from being discovered when we infiltrate the planet. The next time I talk to you, it’ll be when the mission is over.”_

_“So this is goodbye for now…?” Her voice wavered more than she intended, though she sucked her lower lip between her teeth so he wouldn’t see it quivering._

_“It’s a see you later,” Lance said decisively. “No goodbyes.”_

_“Give the others my regards and well wishes,” Pidge said with a nod. “Be careful, Lance.”_

_“I always am. I promise you I’ll return safe and sound. Tell Pidgeon I love her.” Lance lifted his hand and pressed it against the screen. She lifted her own hand and placed it on top of his, sniffling quietly as her heart squeezed in her chest. “And I love you so much, Katie.”_

_“I love you too, Lance.”_

_Pidge kept her hand on the screen until the broadcast cut off, and even then, she didn’t move her hand._

_The tears that welled in her eyes fell down her cheeks, and she sniffled softly. She was glad that the communications room was empty for the night, save for the one technician who was monitoring all signals, and even then, he had headphones in and was politely turned away for the duration of her call. She didn’t want everyone who she worked with to see her cry._

_“C’mon, Pidge.” She chuckled to herself and wiped her tears with her sleeve. “You can’t do this every single time.”_

_But this was the first time they wouldn’t be in contact with each other for so long. The longest she’d ever gone without seeing his face or talking to him was one month and that had been the worst exercise in patience she’d ever experienced in her life. Three months was going to be three thousand times harder. And not knowing what was going on with the crew would make her anxious. But Lance had never broken a promise to her._

_He would return with Shiro, Rizavi, and Kinkade._

_She knew he would._

_Pidge stood up from her seat to stretch her legs. Besides, she had to be strong for Lance and Diego and Sofia. He would be fine, come back safe and sound, and then they could finally be a family for real._

 

…

 

“I miss you, Lance…” Pidge whispered, staring blindly at the inscription on his tombstone.

Pidge didn’t understand how anyone expected her to just move forward with her life. Everyone else was going back to their jobs, continuing their work, but she couldn’t.

Her whole world had been shattered.

Everything she once knew was so broken.

Nine years of the most perfect relationship she could ever ask for all ended in a cruel twist of fate.

And the thing was, she couldn’t even be a little mad at him, because she _knew_ Lance. She knew the kind of man he’d always been, how hard and strong he loved the people he cared about. What he would give up just for them to be safe and happy.

Pidge exhaled raggedly, stooping carefully in front of his tombstone and setting down the Medal of Honour Lance had been awarded posthumously. Someone had already put flowers there and a small plate of garlic knots as an offering, and Pidge suspected it was Veronica. The woman kept trying to get in touch with her, wanting her and Diego to come stay with her family for the time being, but Pidge ignored everyone.

The last thing she wanted was to be surrounded by reminders that she’d lost Lance.

She could barely hang on, sobbing every day and unable to even look at her precious son because he looked too much like Lance. He reminded her too much of Lance. And it killed her inside every day when Diego would ask her what was going on. When he kept asking why everyone was crying. When he had spent the funeral asking her why Lance’s face was in the portrait until her mother had kindly taken Diego so Pidge could grieve in peace. But even that couldn’t take away the misery hanging in the air when Mrs. McClain’s agonised wails and cries of ‘my baby’ had reverberated throughout the air. Pidge had held her hand, squeezed tight, but even she didn’t have enough strength to not crumble to her seat when they lowered the casket. Her friends had done their best to support her, but she didn’t want to be in their presence either.

She hadn’t had the heart to tell Diego his father would never be coming home again, and maybe that made her a horrible parent, but Lance had been everything to her son. She wasn’t ready to break her little boy’s heart. And she couldn’t even handle her own self for that conversation right now.

“You broke your promise to us,” Pidge whimpered, her face contorting as she sobbed again. “Lance, we need you! I can’t— I don’t want to do this alone!”

There was shuffling behind her and she spun around in surprise. Shiro stood there awkwardly, his brows high on his forehead and she quickly swiped at her tears. He looked haggard, unshaven, and much thinner and paler than she’d ever seen him, even when they’d rescued him from the Galra so very many years ago.

“Sh-shiro?”

She hadn’t seen him or any of her friends or much of anyone really in the weeks since the funeral. From what she’d heard from Matt, the man had taken a leave of absence from work, grown distant and no one could get in touch with him. His husband was getting hysterical from his numerous long absences.

“Pidge… I…” Shiro’s voice broke as he wrung his hat in his hands. He sniffled, eyes glassy and a look of shame on his face as he approached her. “Matt said I would find you here and I— I haven’t had a chance to apologise.”

She didn’t say anything, just stared up at him through bleary eyes.

“Th-the rescue mission was under my command. I told everyone to go dark. We weren’t…” Shiro let out a shuddering exhale as tears tracked down his face. “If only I had— if I could have just… it was a trap, Pidge. I fell for it. And then Lance…”

She closed her eyes as her shaking hand went to her mouth. A miserable, wretched sob escaped her quivering lips.

“He saved us all. He saved the scientists. He saved the Prellaxians from the intruders. There’s not enough honour in the world for what he did for us.” Shiro started to cry, his shoulders shaking as he curled into himself. He was a large man, but the way he looked right now, he seemed so much smaller than Pidge. “It wasn’t his time. I’m so sorry. This is all my—”

Pidge cut him off by reaching for him and pulling him down into her arms. She saw his eyes widen and he stiffened in shock, but she simply tucked his face into her shoulder the way she did when Diego needed comforting and leaned her head on Shiro’s, stroking his hair softly.

“Pidge…?”

“Never think that again,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “Okay? Lance wouldn’t want you to treat yourself like this. He saved you because he cares and wants the people he loves to live. You’re no exception. I know given the opportunity, he wouldn’t hesitate to save your life again. That was always his way. So don’t say that.”

Shiro nodded, clutching her sweater as violent tremors wracked his body. “I’m so sorry, Pidge. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

They stood there embracing, their broken, ragged cries echoing into the night air.

 

…

 

_Pidge glared down at the pot of chunky, lumpy blood red gunge on the stove and wondered what wrong choices she’d made along the way for this pasta sauce to turn into a nasty mess like this._

_“Hmm… we’ll probably need to order a pizza…” Lance murmured, coming up behind her and sliding his hands under her shirt right around her flat tummy beneath her navel. He pressed a kiss to her neck and then another to her cheek and then rested his chin on her shoulder. “You completely butchered this. It looks like your period blood.”_

_She gave him a dirty look, but he only smiled impishly._

_“Why do you always have to crowd my space like this?” She fake elbowed him, but he leaned away from her and when he deemed it safe, squished right up against her again. “Move, you bum.”_

_“I think you’re already showing. You’re a little thick here.” He squeezed lightly at the small mound of flesh and Pidge sighed and gave up on him not touching her._

_“The doctor did say the second pregnancy would show faster.” Although Pidge couldn’t lie that she’d been extremely surprised that she was already showing at eight weeks when it’d taken her six months to finally get her bump with Diego. “Lance, it’s too hot for you to be on me like this.”_

_“I’ve gotta make an impression on my daughter before I leave.”_

_“Right…”_

_Pidge frowned, reminded of his mission soon underway in about a month. While she was glad that Gunderson II was being used for such an important mission, she couldn’t help her irritation that it would take Lance away from her for such a long period of time this time. He, Shiro, Rizavi, and Kinkade had been appointed to inspect suspicious activity in a part of space where a communication beacon got attacked after some known engineers in other planets sent a distress signal. It was like their old Voltron missions and she could see the excitement brimming off Lance in waves when the higher ups had given him notice of the mission._

_She wanted to be happy for him, and she was, but he was gone so often and lately, she’d been missing him something fierce. The downtime she got with him was so few and far in between sometimes and when it had been just Diego, Pidge could somewhat manage._

_But they were about to have two kids._

_“You know, by the time you return your daughter will already be three months old.”_

_He nodded, a look of regret passing on his face. “Yeah. Hard to believe I’m going to miss Pidgeon’s early life.”_

_“We’re not naming her Pidgeon, you dork!” Pidge snorted, trying hard to yank the wooden mixing spoon out of the goop, but it was stuck fast. “Pick something else.”_

_“Megatron 3000 then.”_

_She elbowed him again, but this time he missed it and grunted in pain._

_“Okay, okay, Bony Elbows!” He squeezed the bit of tummy under her navel again. “I kind of like Sofia. With a preference for an eff in spelling.”_

_She nodded. “That’s acceptable. Although you might have done Diego a disservice. Do you know the future jokes you’ve subjected our son to?”_

_“You agreed at the time!”_

_“We were having sex, Lance. I would have agreed to anything!”_

_As if right on cue, their two year old stumbled into the kitchen with a wide, joyful grin and ran straight into Lance’s legs. Pidge and Lance both smiled down lovingly at their excitable son._

_“Papa! Papa! I u’ de potty!_ _Awe by mythef!”_

_“You went tinkle all by yourself? Good job, buddy!” Lance let go of Pidge when Diego’s arms went up and scooped him up. He lifted him up way higher than his head for a moment before settling him on his hip while Diego laughed and laughed. “Did you flush?”_

_“Yeah!”_

_“Did you wash your hands?”_

_“No!”_

_Lance and Pidge shared an amused look and then he went over to the sink and turned on the tap. He leaned down so Diego could put his hands under the water. Lance put soap in his son’s hands and watched as he rubbed them together._

_“That’s no good, Diego. You have to scrub your hands always, okay? Or you might accidentally give your future baby sister Pidgeon germs she’s not prepared to handle.”_

_Pidge sighed deeply and gave Lance a threatening eyebrow raise, though he only gave her a shit eating smile back._

_“Piddy a toe?”_

_“Not a toy,” Pidge responded, tweaking her son’s little baby nose as Lance wiped his hands with a soft dish towel. “You can play with her, but only when she’s old enough.”_

_“Yay! I wove toe piddy!”_

_Lance set Diego in his high chair. “Alright, finish all of your dinner now, mijo. Then we can play all night. But only if you eat all your food.”_

_Diego looked disgruntled, but he scooped up some of the peas and carrots on his plastic plate and put it in his mouth. Lance stood there with his hands on his hips, looking triumphant, and Pidge couldn’t stop her eyes welling with tears. Family moments like these were rare since he was usually off in space. But he just looked so at ease and comfortable and Diego was so happy to have his father around, if only for a little while._

_It kind of broke her heart._

_When she sniffled, Lance turned and his brows drew down when he saw her expression._

_“Babe, what’s wrong?” Lance asked, wiping away an errant tear and cradling her cheek._

_She shook her head. “It’s the fucking hormones.”_

_“No, it’s not. Your hormone crying is usually accompanied by aggressive mood swings.”_

_“Sounds to me like you’re hoping for it,” Pidge threatened._

_“Katie.” Lance frowned in displeasure. “What’s wrong? You were fine a second ago.”_

_“I just… you missed most of my pregnancy with Diego too because of work. I wanted you here for this one. And it’s worse because you’ll miss her birth. You won’t even be here to make that connection with her for her first few months of life.”_

_“I know… I’m so sorry, mi vida.” Lance tucked her into his arms, but not before she caught the pain of the reminder flashing in his gaze._

_She felt guilty. He knew better than anyone how hard it was to miss parts of his children’s’ lives. She was only hurting him more._

_“Lance, no, I’m sorry.” She rested her chin on his chest with an apologetic grimace. “I know you’re doing your best. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about your ambitions. We put off marriage for three years because of me.”_

_“And on the plus side… we could always just have another kid so I can be there this time,” he halfway joked, though that remorse in his gaze lingered._

_“I’m not some baby factory, Lance.” She wrinkled her nose. “While I love having your kids, being off my feet for like half a year from the birth isn’t my cup of tea.”_

_She wanted more kids with him too, but the last time she’d gotten so restless having to stay in bed from the complicated birth. It hadn’t helped that labour for Diego was thirty-one hours. And the recovery process had drained all her energy since he’d been one of the most hyperactive babies ever._

_“And it annoyed me that the more pregnant I’d gotten, the more Matt, Veronica, and my parents restricted my activities. Like, just because I was eight months preggo, didn’t mean I couldn’t rewire the electric circuitry of a rocket I myself built! It was insulting!”_

_“Like you couldn’t what now?!” Lance looked appalled. “Please tell me you weren’t touching **anything** electric when that pregnant!”_

_She chewed on her lower lip. “…do you want me to lie?”_

_“I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”_

_“But Lance, I’m serious about that. Maybe we should hold off on having more kids for now? At least until you slow down on your missions? I promise you, I can handle a few more years of you going out in space and doing your thing, but in the meantime, I can’t keep raising kids with a nearly absent father, you know?”_

_He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Hmm… you know, to be honest? I was going to make this one my last one.”_

_Her brows shot up her forehead._

_“What?”_

_“I’m retiring from being a pilot captain after this mission ends.”_

_“Are you being serious right now?” She almost couldn’t believe it when he nodded the affirmative. “You love piloting! You love adventure. You can’t give up your passion.”_

_“I have a growing family now. I have people I love on Earth, and I’m missing so many moments in our life together that we could be having. I almost didn’t make the birth of our first child. And I’m missing the second out of our six kids’ birth.”_

_“Six, Lance?” Pidge said dryly as she cocked a brow._

_“I’m just playing.” He chuckled nervously. “But really though. I want to be on Earth with you guys. I love adventure, of course, but parenting and raising a family with you is a whole different kind of adventure. And I think it’s time I fully committed to it.”_

_Pidge’s eyes watered and she groaned, annoyed that she was so emotional. “You ass. When were you going to tell me?”_

_“I was picking my moment!”_

_“What are you going to do then?”_

_“Maybe I’ll try teaching?” He shrugged, clasping his hands behind her back and rocking her a bit side by side. “Someone has to guide the younger generations and show them how to be the master pilot. Plus, I love working with people, and I’ll still get to fly your lab’s creations. Just not for extensive missions for months. I’ve been a fighter pilot since I was sixteen. I’m thirty-two now. I had my time and made my mark. Besides, there’s bound to be some other normal kid from the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere out there dying for an opportunity to reach the depths of the universe.”_

_Pidge smiled. It was nice to see Lance’s confidence as a pilot now considering he never believed he had much worth in that area for so much of their adolescence._

_“And it’s more than that. I left for a mission and came back and I missed Diego’s first words. I left again and when I got back, he could already walk. But of course I was around when he needed to be potty trained,” Lance drawled, and Pidge chuckled. “He’s growing up so fast while I haven’t been around and missing these milestones is getting to me. So it’s just this last mission. And then I’ll be there with you every step of the way for the rest of our lives.”_

_She curled her hand in the hair at the nape of his neck and tugged him down for a soft kiss. “I love you.”_

_“And I love **you** , querida.”_

_“I finit, Mommy!” Diego cheered and accidentally tossed his spoon. When it clipped Lance in the head, their son giggled and clapped his hands._

_“Yes you did, my sweet little baby boy~” Pidge pulled him up from his chair to hold him and spun him around in a little circle. She pressed a wet, noisy, juicy kiss on his chubby cheek, much to Diego’s disgust. He squirmed to try to get away. “Good job hitting your Papa on the head too!”_

_Lance eyed her in displeasure. “Oy.”_

_And Pidge couldn’t help but laugh, elation dancing in her heart._

_They could be a family at last._

 

…

 

“Mommy?” Diego asked, tugging on the blanket surrounding her. “Can we talk to Papa on the wocket?”

Pidge curled up further into herself, wishing he would stop asking her that question. She was trying not to snap at him, trying to be a supportive mom, but she couldn’t handle these constant questions about Lance, these constant reminders of losing him. It was like every day Diego looked more and more like Lance and it hurt her.

“Diego, your father… he— he’s…” Pidge said in a hoarse voice, her throat and eyes dry and sore from crying herself to sleep. She looked into Diego’s wide blue eyes and she lost her nerve. She couldn’t tell him. “He can’t talk right now.”

He wouldn’t be talking ever again.

He wouldn’t be there to help his children through their nightmares. He wasn’t going to be there to teach them all he knew. To see his children grow and become adults. To be the example his son needed of how to be a good man. To walk his daughter down the aisle.

Pidge closed her eyes, weeping into her blanket and covering her face.

“Uncle Matt! Uncle Matt!” Diego ran out of the living room. “Mommy’s cwying!”

Footsteps sounded from further back and Matt came out to the living room, brows furrowed in worry. Diego walked behind him, a scared look on his face as he peeked out to look at Pidge.

“Diego,” Matt said softly, turning and bending down to look him in the eye. “Can you wait for me in your room?”

He stared at Pidge in worry but Matt smiled encouragingly at him, and Diego dragged his feet away with his shoulders slumped.

“Pidge, you need a good night’s rest. Go lie down on your bed.”

“I can’t go in there, Matt…” Pidge croaked. “Everything smells like him. His stuff is still…”

All his clothes still hung up. His shoes on the rack. All his products on the bathroom counter of the master bathroom.

His pillow smelled like his cologne and it was stifling.

Matt sighed and walked around the couch. He helped her up so she was sitting and wiped the tears from her face.

“Pidge, have you been eating?” Matt asked, taking her hand as he stooped in front of her. She shook her head. “You can’t do this to yourself, okay? You have to think about the baby too. She needs you there for her.”

“I’m trying… Matt, I’m— I can’t do this.” She choked on a sob, curling down into herself as she started to cry again. “I just want to see him! I want him here with me!”

“I know it hurts.” His voice cracked a bit, and when she glanced up, his eyes were also watering. “We all miss him. But I can’t bear to see you like this either.”

“You don’t understand…”

She tapered off with a sharp inhale, her abdomen cramping up worse than it ever had before. Pidge let out a small groan, hunching forward and gripping her belly as she took slow breaths in and out. This one was actually painful.

“Pidge?”

“Nothing it’s just… _argh_!” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Bad… contraction.”

Matt’s eyes grew alarmed. “Wait, what week are you on? Did you go to your appointment yesterday?”

She didn’t respond, still doing her breathing exercises to deal with the actual discomfort. She’d had a painful contraction here and there, but not to this extent. Where was Lance’s soothing voice to talk her through this?

She needed him.

“Matt, something’s not right…”

Come to think of it, she hadn’t felt Sofia kicking in a long time. Apprehension settled in her heart like a vice.

He stood up decisively. “We’re going to the hospital, Pidge.”

 

…

 

_Walking down the centre of a beautifully decorated chapel with green and blue flowers to the organ playing that cliché Here Comes the Bride song with her sobbing father should have been a surreal experience, by all means._

_She was **actually** getting married._

_But Pidge was practically grinding her teeth._

_She’d wanted a small, intimate wedding with just family and important friends and no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but her mother had gotten all in her damn feelings about missing all of Pidge’s puberty milestones while she was a paladin. And somehow, she’d managed to guilt Pidge into letting her plan the wedding because her firstborn couldn’t give her grandkids with an android apparently._

_(A stupid reason that made no sense, but when her mother did that lip pouty thing, no one could say no)._

_The end result was a pretty publicised event with tons of Garrison officers and commanders and higher ups all in attendance and some news stations watching because the main engineer behind the Gunderson rockets and its pilot were getting married after three years. Their relationship had been fairly high profile after the talk show mishap, so she wasn’t surprised some people had been keeping tabs on them, but it still annoyed her that she’d had to walk down the aisle with all these stupid randos watching her all misty eyed._

_It was nice to see Hunk (who was an adorable, blubbering mess) and Allura (also teary eyed, but mostly trying to keep Hunk from accidentally blowing his nose on her dress) and Keith (obviously pretending not to cry) and Coran (videotaping everything, including her crying friends) after all these years since they’d gone their separate ways. Shiro was looking like a proud dad for some reason._

_And then at the front, she took note of all of Lance’s family, and boy did she mean **all** of them, even the extended ones. They took up six pews on their own. And then her own family chilling on the bride’s side. _

_But more than half the people, she didn’t even recognise._

_Honestly, it made her nervous to be wed in front of so many people, especially since she kept wondering if anyone could see her little burgeoning baby bump. Her dress hadn’t fit perfectly from the day of the fitting, but she’d managed to get in it, although she wondered if her son was squished. She could feel him moving, just right below her bellybutton, and he was definitely restless because the fluttering had not stopped once since she’d woken up that morning. She wondered if that was her sweet baby boy’s little way of showing her support on the big day._

_She had to force herself to not rest her hand on her abdomen like she’d taken to doing lately. Either way, she was just lucky that even at twenty-six weeks, she still wasn’t really starting to show. Everyone would be in for the shock of their life when she would show up to work with a round baby belly after her honeymoon._

_Well, except for Veronica. She didn’t know how, but Lance’s sister definitely knew she was pregnant._

_(And for some reason, **Keith** too. He kept staring at her stomach and she was going to kick his ass if he blew her cover. Damn Galra instincts)._

_But despite the people she actually cared about being present, she still had this gigantic ceremony in a poofy dress and pinchy heels that grated her nerves. By the time her father had moved her veil and kissed her forehead and almost dripped snot on her dress (her mom looked like she was ready to go to jail for murder), Pidge was practically seething, wanting to punch the next person who did anything that bugged her._

_Until she got in front of Lance, that is._

_Somehow, seeing him all handsome in his suit and gazing at her like there was nothing else in the world but her and him and nervous and blushing with a matching zit to hers on his chin melted away any other thoughts. Somehow, when she stood in front of him, holding his hands and trying to keep her tears at bay, she entered in his world and all the cameras and people in the audience didn’t even matter._

_It was her and Lance._

_Together forever._

_Best friends who’d figured out their love for each other by chance._

_She was literally having her fairy tale romance, and nothing could take away from that moment._

_Lance was a blubbering mess through the vows and she didn’t know when she started crying too, but she couldn’t get her smile off her face when they said their I love you’s and made their promises to each other and exchanged the rings. Her heart was soaring, the elation coursing through her so all-encompassing she couldn’t believe this wasn’t a dream. From paladins of Voltron to here. It was hard to wrap her head around._

_But here she was and here he was, grinning like two goobers and ready to begin this chapter of their lives._

_“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”_

_They both laughed a bit as Lance wrapped her up in his arms and dipped her dramatically._

_“You’re stuck with me for life now, you know?” Lance murmured, stroking her cheek. “Even when you want to strangle me.”_

_“Lance… I wouldn’t have it any other way.”_

_And they sealed the deal with a perfect kiss._

 

…

 

“Katie, it’s going to be alright,” her mom said softly, patting Pidge’s hand from where she was perched on the side of her bed. “There’s nothing to be frightened of. You’ll just spend the night here so they can monitor you and the baby. In the meantime, I’ll get in touch with the McClains to let them know what’s going on. Veronica says she can stop by tomorrow to bring you any scifi books and movies you’d like.”

Maybe it wasn’t something to be frightened of, but it _was_ her fault. Foetal distress, her OB had said. Her heart rate was low and unfortunately, the fluid levels were just on the cusp of being below where they should have been at thirty-six weeks. All because Pidge hadn’t been eating enough. Her OB believed that Pidge’s recent stress might make her go into labour early and if things didn’t improve in the next day or so, they’d induce her for labour.

“Where’s Diego?” Pidge asked quietly, feeling so much shame.

She was killing her babies. She was killing both her children with her negligence.

And yet, the only thing she could think about was losing Lance.

What was wrong with her?

Matt brought Diego over and her son stared at her with scared eyes, two fingers being sucked on in his mouth. “Awe you okay, Mommy?”

“I’m fine, sweet baby boy.” She tried her best to smile for him, to give him some semblance of the life he once knew. “Listen. Mommy’s going to be having her baby soon. Your sister’s coming. So you’ll be staying with Matt at home until then, okay? Be a good boy and make sure to eat your vegetables.”

He nodded with a pout, reaching his arms out to her and Pidge opened her arms as Matt leaned over so she could hug him properly. She squeezed Diego tight and ran a hand through his soft curls and when they finally pulled away, he grinned, so large and so easy, a smile so unmistakeably _Lance_ that her eyes prickled with tears. She swallowed tight, doing her best to not let her smile drop until Matt had turned away.

“We’ll be back in the morning, Katie,” her mom said, rising to her feet. “Stay strong for us until then, alright?”

“Bye, Mommy!”

Pidge waved as they bid her farewell and left the room.

Once she was sure they’d left, she curled up and clutched the blanket to her chest, silent tears trailing down her face. She should have been elated over the coming birth of her child, but she couldn’t even enjoy what should have been a joyous occasion.

Her daughter would never even get to meet Lance, and it broke her heart.

Pidge didn’t want to live in a world that didn’t have Lance in it.

It was unfair.

She refused to.

There had to be some way to fix this. There _had to_ be.

Pidge wiped her eyes and nose and clambered out of bed. Her OB had told her to stay in bed if she could help it, but having a private room with an attached bathroom was a lucky break. Her mother had left her several options for a change of clothes after she birthed so Pidge rushed to get the gown off and pull on the clothes as quickly as she could. She’d had all her checkups, so she figured that would give her maybe six to ten hours before a nurse came back to see how she was doing.

Not enough time.

She had to hurry up.

She rearranged her hair and put a baseball cap on her head, fixed up her blotchy red face and made sure she looked as presentable as possible before she finally snuck out of her room. The nurses on the floor were all busy, too occupied with their own work to pay attention to someone who looked like an innocuous visitor. When she made sure the coast was clear, she flipped the card beside her room door so it showed the red, what she’d learned was the symbol for a mother who’d lost her child in birth. They usually didn’t get disturbed, so she hoped it would work as a deterrent for the time being.

Pidge kept her head down and walked to the elevators. She rode it all the way down, holding herself as chill as possible so no one would suspect her. Once at the lobby, she walked right out, only realising she had no way of transportation until by luck, she saw a cab waiting near a loading dock. Pidge yanked open the door and plopped in.

“I need you to take me to the Galaxy Garrison’s private launch pad on the other side of town. I don’t have any money on me, but _please_. Please take me there. I need to leave right now.”

The cab driver took one look at her face and her pregnant belly, and despite looking at her like he thought she was insane, he still nodded, starting up his car and driving off. Pidge sat back, adrenaline pumping through her veins. Sofia hadn’t been energetic in a while, but Pidge felt a flutter in her from Sofia moving and she rubbed her abdomen.

“Hang in there, Pidgeon…”

When the guy got there, she made him drive her to one of the furthest large warehouses. He wished her luck as she got out and then he took off, clearly thinking something criminal was about to happen. Pidge swallowed down her sore body’s protests and overrode the code to the warehouse. In it was an old Altean travel pod, a gift Coran had left them with coordinates set if ever they needed to visit.

Pidge climbed up in the cockpit slowly, careful not to jostle her belly.

Was she crazy to do this?

Maybe so, but anything beat never being able to be happy again.

Once the ship had been powered up, she took off and hit max thrust.

 

…

 

_Pidge had never considered herself a sappy girl before, but honestly, Lance had definitely turned her into one._

_The kind who wanted to spew romantic nonsense and write love poems and gush about love until she was blue in the face. It was kind of stupid, but she could understand that true love could do that to someone. They’d had a hectic relationship here and there and with their commitments to their work, it hadn’t been easy to figure out how to make things work, but the thing that surprised Pidge most was that she was committed to making it work._

_That had never been the kind of person she had been years ago._

_She’d been the one who’d just let something go and call it quits if the effort to make it work far exceeded her emotional capabilities. And all things considered, Lance’s frequent missions off Earth and her long hours in the labs and of course their different personalities had definitely made them butt heads more often than not to the point that if it was anyone else, she might have said bye to the relationship without looking back._

_But she’d stuck it out because she wanted to._

_And that to her was a sign she’d made the right decision to say yes to Lance’s second proposal._

_If she was able to tolerate all the heartache and difficulties up to this point, then she could handle any rollercoaster rides with him._

_Even kids._

_Pidge cupped Lance’s face, her thumb stroking his cheeks softly. His stubble felt kind of grainy and sharp under her finger, but she disregarded it. She personally liked it when he came back from missions a little scruffy, having had less time to focus on his beauty and care routine. She thought it made him look rugged. Which admittedly was a huge turn on for her when Lance let himself go and looked like that._

_And which was decidedly why he hadn’t taken two steps onto the Garrison landing pad upon his return before she’d dragged him to one of the rest bunkers, locked the doors, and shoved him down onto the bed. Everyone was smart enough not to call him to debrief._

_Honestly, she’d only said roughly ten words to him since his return because once they’d finally gotten home, they’d been otherwise occupied for pretty much the rest of the night._

_(And honestly, she wasn’t even sure if ‘harder’ or ‘yes’ or ‘oh my God’ really counted)._

_“…your ring is cold,” Lance muttered, his lips twitching up into a smile. “If you’re up this soon, that means I didn’t tire you out enough last night.”_

_“You did. But you were gone for a month this time. I really missed you.”_

_“Hmmm,” he said sleepily, leaning into her hand. “Which part exactly?”_

_“I’m being serious, Lance.” She slapped his cheek lightly and he chuckled tiredly. “You know that thing we were talking about before you left?”_

_“We were talking about a lot of…” Lance’s eyes suddenly popped open and widened. “Oh, you mean trying the bondage thing?”_

_“No, Lance.” Pidge cracked up. “The kid thing. As in, us having kids.”_

_He stared at her, holding his breath. “Are you pregnant?”_

_“No. Not yet anyway.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I mean I got my Garrison implant taken out for good. Finished the last part of the procedure three nights ago.”_

_Lance sat up, his breathing a little heavier and his lips slowly tugging into an excited smile. “So, then it’s a yes? You want…?”_

_“Yeah. I thought about it and yeah.” Pidge’s own heart was jumping around, skipping in excitement. “I need someone to pass my mad scientist genes on to.”_

_“Not a good reason to have kids.”_

_“Absolutely the **perfect** reason to have kids.”_

_“You’re impossible,” Lance murmured, though he had an affectionate look in his eyes. “This is so surreal. You want to have my kids.”_

_Her face flushed a bit bashfully. “Yeah, so start getting used to the fact that you’re going to be a dad someday.”_

_“Okay, let’s start now.” He rolled on top of her, lifting up her nightie and tracing a path of kisses up her thigh to her stomach._

_“Lance,” Pidge snorted when his breath tickled her, though she tried to move his head away, “I’m not getting stuck in bed with you all day just because you want to impregnate me. I have shit to do.”_

_“So do I. Getting my fiancée pregnant. The early sperm gets the worm.”_

_And then he blew a raspberry on her stomach and started to tickle her. Pidge howled with laughter from the unexpected action, kicking her legs and squealing and trying to get away, but he held her down and kept digging his fingers into her stomach._

_“Lance!” She gasped for breath, trying to roll away. “S-Stop! I hate you so much!”_

_He finally did stop with a shit-eating grin on his face and Pidge gave him the finger, trying to catch her breath. He crawled up and gave her a long, lingering kiss._

_“Thank you, Pidge. You don’t know how much this means to me.”_

_“Well, you mean the world to me. And I want you to be happy.” She reached up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “It’ll take some life adjustments, but I am ready to be a mom. So let’s get me pregnant, Captain McClain.”_

_Lance answered her by bending down and kissing her again._

 

…

 

To say Allura and Coran had been surprised by her sudden appearance was probably an understatement. They hadn’t seen her since the funeral, though she’d received a juniberry in the mail every few days. Right now, they were staring at her uneasily.

“I just want him back, guys…” Pidge teared up and clenched her fists on her lap. “Losing Lance was the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me and I don’t think I’ll ever get back on my feet.”

“I know things have been hard for you.” Allura tucked her further into her side, her hand rubbing soothing circles on her shoulder. “Pidge, I want to help you, but my powers can’t do anything like what you’re hoping. I cannot raise the dead.”

“Well…” Coran rubbed his moustache with a pensive look on his face. “I don’t know about raising the dead, but there is an Ancient we discovered in our search for more Alteans. She’s a healer with mystical powers known well for being able to bring your most desperate desires to fruition.”

“We can take you there,” Allura said with a frown, “but Pidge, are you sure you want to be moving around this much? You carry life within you that seems to be ready to emerge soon.”

“I appreciate the concern, but I can’t wait a moment longer.”

This wasn’t a question of wanting Lance around.

She _needed_ him back.

Coran and Allura shared a look, but they brought her to one of their travel ships and once they were ready, took off for the location. The travel time wasn’t too long, but they ended up going to a forest glowing rather ominously. The aura radiating off of the land felt like it was enchanted somehow. They travelled close to the ground, being careful not to destroy any branches or trees until they had reached the dwelling place of the Ancient.

“I can come with you if you need support, Pidge,” Allura took her hands before Pidge began to try to leave. “You shouldn’t be alone.”

“Thank you, but I’ll be fine.”

Allura sighed in defeat, but let her go with a promise that they’d wait outside for whenever she would need them.

The old Altean in the tent was blind, her eyes misted over and completely white, but as Pidge trudged inside, the Ancient lifted her head and breathed in a long inhale.

“You grieve, young one.” The old woman croaked, her wrinkled face following Pidge’s motions as she came to sit on the rug in front of her. “What is your affliction?”

“I lost my…” Her voice cracked, and Pidge took a deep breath and licked her lips. “I want him back. He went too soon, and it’s too hard without him. I’d do anything to get him back. Please tell me you can help me.”

The old woman didn’t say anything for a while, though she stared at her, watching her as she pursed her lips. Pidge was unnerved by the blank stare and rested her hand protectively on her stomach almost involuntarily. Sofia kicked at her hand, and it was a comfort, however small.

“Hmm… There is a way to get your Lance back,” she finally responded though a sad look overtook her face. “But a sacrifice must be made. Are you prepared to make it?”

“There’s no point living in a world without him,” Pidge said decisively. “There’s no point in putting my children through the pain of a world without him. I want him alive and well.”

“Understood.” The Ancient smiled wistfully. “I can reset the clock of time, young one. Take you back.”

Hope welled in her chest. “What?”

“Yes, exactly what I said. I can put you back to a time when he was alive. But understand that in time, there are certain events that are considered checkpoints. Time is fluid and loose and can change, but those checkpoints will always set into motion very specific occurrences that will never change. The death of your lover is always inevitable due to the occurrence of one checkpoint. So in order to prevent his death, you’d have to go well before that and make sure the checkpoint doesn’t happen. Do you understand, young one?”

“I do.” Pidge frowned. “Can you show me how far back I would need to go to find this checkpoint?”

The Ancient nodded, leaning forward and pressing her thumb to Pidge’s forehead.

“Close your eyes, child.”

 

…

 

_Pidge stormed through the Garrison’s med bay lobby, murder clearly on her face if the people literally jumping to get out of her way were any indication. She came up to the front desk and she’d barely come to a stop before the receptionist had told her Lieutenant McClain was in Room 43._

_She was going to kill Lance._

_Even if he was halfway to the world of the dead, she was going to kick his ass so hard she’d push him right into the afterlife herself._

_Pidge practically kicked the door of Room 43 open and barged in, her eyes zoning in on Lance in a hospital bed being tended to by a nurse._

_Two weeks of not seeing him still made her heart thump wildly in her chest, and her relief that he was alive and kicking was all-encompassing. Granted, he was definitely worse for wear with his bare torso wrapped up around the abdomen and a leg in a splint. Plus his face was bruised and he had a busted lip and black eye, but he was smiling at the nurse, so she knew he was okay._

_When the door hit the wall, both occupants of the room jumped and turned to face her. Lance’s smile dropped when he saw her and he looked away, the pain in his expression unmistakeable._

_That did it._

_Pidge took purposeful steps to him and before he could even react, cocked her arm back and punched him in the shoulder as hard as she could. Lance yelped, holding his bruised shoulder while she shook out her red hand and sucked in a sharp breath._

_“What on Earth do you think you’re doing?!” The nurse bellowed. “You don’t hit patients!”_

_“Shut the fuck up, lady! I do when they’re being an absolute moron!” Pidge barked at her and the nurse cowered, turning away to look at her clipboard. Pidge ripped her glasses off and tossed them on the small table, getting into Lance’s face with a furious snarl. “And you're lucky you’re injured because I would have punched you in the face if you didn’t look so fucked up already! How could you do this to me, Lance?! How could you run off and get hurt like this?!”_

_His pained expression quickly gave way to a deep set anger buried under piles and piles of despair. “I mean, it’s not like you want to be with me for long, so what do you care?”_

_Despite her efforts not to react, a shudder of pain went through her heart._

_“Why are you still mad at me about that?! I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Lance!”_

_“Well, ya did, okay?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, sucked in a sharp, pained breath when he brushed up against his injury and quickly set his arms back down on his side. “As far as I’m concerned, you said no and honestly, Pidge? I don’t see how we can be together the same way anymore now that I know you don’t want to be with me!”_

_“I didn’t say no, you moron!” She shouted emphatically, sick and tired of him being so distraught over nothing. “I said I needed time.”_

_“How is that any different than saying no?!” Lance shouted back._

_“Please lower your voices!” The nurse pleaded. “The sound carries to other—”_

_“ **Shut up**!” they both barked, and she scoffed, affronted._

_“Pidge, I told you I wanted to be with you forever and you had to think about it! And that broke my fucking heart! If you don’t look at me and see your endgame, then what the fuck have I been for you all this time?!”_

_“That’s not what I meant at all!” Pidge’s eyes welled with tears. “Lance, when I said I needed time, I meant as in to get my life in order first. You don’t just get engaged to be engaged! You get engaged to get married and with Gunderson II still being built, and all the stupid meetings and the new Garrison programme on alien tech, I wouldn’t have the time to devote to our relationship stuff like that. The amount of things that will have to be planned to get to our marriage, I wouldn’t have any time to think about while my life is so wild. You said you were ready from the day we started dating, but I’m not even close to being there yet, Lance.”_

_His brows lifted in total surprise, and he held his breath, the fury in his gaze quickly dissipating to shame and regret._

_“The obvious answer was **yes** even if I couldn’t accept yet! I’m not going to be with anyone else, and I would have thought you would understand that, but your dumb ass got pissed off before I could explain it to you and you had to go take that fucking spur of the moment mission without telling me! You were obviously distracted and got hurt, not to mention you completely totalled Gunderson I!”_

_She broke down crying then, her emotions overwhelming her and trembling as she dropped her face on Lance’s shoulder._

_“You’re such an idiot sometimes! If you died out there, I wouldn’t have even known! Do you know what it was like for me waiting for so long for you to come back, and you never did?! I thought you’d ended things!”_

_A hand came up slowly and settled on her back. “Pidge…”_

_She snapped her head up and glared at him. “Lance, get your hand off me. I am so furious with you right now! This isn’t going to work if you do shit like this! We need to be open and honest with each other if we want to make our relationship work and you definitely are not.”_

_“You aren’t either!” He scoffed incredulously, though he didn’t let her go and used his other hand to wipe away a tear. “Why didn’t you just tell me when I proposed why you couldn’t say yes just yet? I would have understood!”_

_“I don’t know? I panicked! And you made such a huge effort to give me the most beautiful private proposal I’ve ever seen in my life. I thought if I said yes and then I made you keep pushing a date back when you would be so enthusiastic and gung ho, I thought you would get hurt and think I was stalling. That I wouldn’t want to marry you. I didn’t know what to do…”_

_After a few seconds of watching her sniffle and continuously wipe her eyes, Lance sighed. “I’m sorry, Katie. I didn’t realise you’d felt that way.”_

_“I just… you’re always so— so sure about our relationship, and this romance shit is so simple to you, and I’m still trying to be a better girlfriend, trying to understand how to devote both my time to you and myself and my career and it’s not always an easy road because you like romance so much and I’m just not that person really. I’m never going to be the doting wife or that perfect wife who keeps the home perfect for her man. I’m never going to be the one you come home to who always has a hot meal on the table who offers you dinner or herself.”_

_“First of all, you’ve been watching too much anime. And second, this isn’t the damn 1950s. What the fuck.”_

_“Shut up.” She wrinkled her nose and stared at the sheets bunched up on his lap. “My point is I can’t be that woman for you. And if you’re hoping for that, you’re going to be waiting a long time.”_

_“Pidge, seriously,” Lance said as he tilted her chin back up so she was looking at him. “If I wanted that, why would I choose to be with you?”_

_She blinked, a dry look on her face._

_“I can’t tell if you’re insulting me or not.”_

_He let out a frustrated little laugh and took her hand to tug her up onto the bed so she could sit beside him. Pidge climbed up and curled up next to him, taking care not to jostle him and aggravate his injury._

_“Listen to me. I may be old fashioned in a lot of ways, but I would never expect you to be someone you’re not, okay? I would never ask you to change for me. And I love you the way you are.” He lied back against his pillow and smiled down at her as he toyed with the fingers of her hand. “I mean, there are some things about you that piss me off. Like coming home from missions to an apartment looking like a construction site and stepping on fucking nails for one, but that’s part of the Pidge Package. And I signed on for a lifelong deal knowing that, so rest assured, that will never be a deal breaker for me.”_

_“See, this is what I’m talking about. How does that cheesy, corny shit always come out of your mouth so easily?”_

_Not that she didn’t secretly love Lance’s poet language of love._

_“Because I truly love you. And I’m sorry for flipping out on you like that.” He winced a bit. “And for destroying your rocket.”_

_“I forgive you. Well… not for the fucking rocket though, Lance.” She grinned up at him regardless, sniffling a few more times since her nose was still running. “Lance, I do want to marry you. I’ve dreamed about it as my future, but can you wait until I’m ready too?”_

_“Yeah. For you? Always,” he murmured, cupping her cheek as he leaned in. “Come here.”_

_She closed the gap between their lips in a slow kiss, relishing in his warmth and drinking him in. Two weeks was really too long a time to be without him. What was she going to do when he became a Captain and was going on much more extended missions to much farther locations?_

_He pulled her on top of him, and Pidge rose up to her knees to straddle Lance properly. Lance inhaled sharply, his hands going to her hips as she ground down on him. The hospital bed creaked ominously._

_“Did I hurt your injury…?” she asked him softly, giving him a racy look that Lance was all too happy to return. She dropped a kiss on his lips that he chased, though she moved back just enough to see that dangerous look appear in his eyes. “Uh uh uh, Lance~ Can’t continue unless I know you’re clear to proceed.”_

_“Pidge,” he said in a warning tone, and the flutter of excitement in her stomach had her biting her lower lip to keep her smile at bay. “It’s nothing I can’t ignore for this.”_

_“Excuse me! You **cannot** do that in this room!”_

_“I just made up with my boyfriend after a fight.” Pidge gave the woman the most venomous evil eye she could muster. “Watch me, lady.”_

_The nurse burned bright red and hurriedly walked off muttering about horny idiots and aggravating injuries as Lance cracked up._

 

…

 

Coming back to her apartment felt weird.

It was her home, but it felt like another life, especially knowing what she would have to do.

The living room was dark, TV on though set to a low volume, but Pidge ignored it, instead walking over to the wall of gradually increasing photographs that she and Lance had started.

Pidge stared at the picture of her chubby baby, toothless Diego. The Christmas photo they’d taken the year Diego was born. The Holt and McClain clans all bunched up in one photo for some summer of fun festival they’d had that ended in a mud war because Marco and Matt decided they wanted to cause mischief. Her wedding photo with Lance where one could easily see the love in both their gazes as they said their vows. The next photo would have been Sofia’s baby picture, but unfortunately, they would never get to that point.

She blinked away the tears in her eyes and moved to her wall shelves where the Holt-McClain family photo sat from before Lance left on the horrid mission that sealed his fate.

Pidge traced Lance’s face with her thumb, then removed it from its case, folded it and put it in her bra. She took off her wedding ring, setting it beside the empty frame and turned to leave the room. The Ancient had said she could only keep one memento from the future, otherwise she’d make time unstable. So she was choosing the last happy evidence of their once almost perfect family.

She trudged towards Diego’s room, being careful not to wake up Matt who was passed out on her couch. If he discovered she’d snuck out of the hospital, she was sure he would flip out.

Not that it would even matter in a little bit of time.

Her cramps had started again, but she ignored them, pushing open the green door of her toddler’s room. He was fast asleep tucked into his covers, his cherub face plush and squishy. Pidge walked over to him and bent down to kiss his forehead lovingly. His eyelashes fluttered on his cheeks when she smoothed his floppy brown hair back.

“Mommy?” he questioned sleepily, looking up at her with sleepy deep blues that she loved so much that simultaneously hurt her.

“You know I love you so much, right, sweet baby boy? I know I haven’t been the best mommy recently, but I love you,” she murmured, her voice breaking as she smoothed a hand over his face. She stroked his cheek lovingly and he nodded, still looking like he was half asleep. “You’re a light in my life. You’ve given me more joy than you can imagine. Long before I even felt you kick in my belly, I knew you would be an absolute dream come true. You’re my first born. You’ll always be special to me. I’ll always love you.”

“I wove you too, Mommy.”

 She sat beside him, stroking a hand through his locks until his breathing evened out and he fell asleep again, his thumb in his mouth.

“You’re my light and joy… but I can’t subject you to a life without your hero. I can’t leave you without your father when you love him so much.” Tiny feet kicked at her abdomen, and she rubbed it, chuckling a bit to herself. “Don’t worry, Pidgeon. I love you too. And so did your father. When we found out about you, our world seemed complete somehow. You don’t know how amazing it has been to _feel_ you in times I was so down. You kept me sane while Lance was away. It breaks my heart that I’ll never get to meet you but I can just envision how beautiful you would be. You’d look like Lance too, you know? I just know. You’d have his hair and height, but my eyes and you’d be the nerdiest nerd to ever exist. I can just imagine I would always find you messing with my tools. I’ll never get the chance to raise you, but know that I adore you. You’re my babies. The children I made with the love of my life. I love you both forever and always.”

Pidge ignored the sharp pain wrenching in her chest as she finally stood up. She kissed Diego’s head one more time, gazing back at him and memorising everything about him as she left the room.

She took in her apartment one last time, didn’t dare look in her old bedroom, and then finally left for good.

With no last look back, she finally let out all her choked up emotions, her shoulders wracked with heaving sobs as she walked to where Allura and Coran were waiting.

 

…

 

_“I hate interviews,” Pidge grumbled crossly. “Why do we even need to have them?”_

_“This is your very last one.” Matt laughed, bending down a bit and helping her fix her tie. She slapped his hands away and he put his hands up placatingly, as if apologising for treating her like some little kid. “But I’m impressed you made it through thirteen different ones before you complained.”_

_“That’s because the other ones were for educational networks and science channels! What’s the point of this stupid talk show with that dumb bitch Merla Mulberry who literally stirs up drama whenever she opens her mouth?”_

_“Katie, you figured out the perfect way to combine some alien technology and solar energy features to make the first ever solar powered rocketship!” Sam exclaimed, waving his hands around wildly with his eyes twinkling in excitement. “This is a monumental advancement for space travel for years to come! It’s okay to spread the word everywhere.”_

_“Way to act like a fanboy, Dad.” Matt snorted._

_Gunderson I **was** her baby and a pet project she’d been working on since she started her work in the Defenders Project, but she never expected it to gain so much fame in all these years. She never really thought she’d crack the code to using clean energy to create machinery that would power itself even at the farthest corners of the universe, as long as there was solar radiation readily available. Hell, she never even thought she’d complete the project, but here she was._

_“It’s deserved,” Sam said, partially offended._

_“Rightly so.” Lance suddenly appeared behind her. “My girlfriend is a genius. And I’m lucky to get a chance to pilot her very first creation.”_

_“Lance, shhh.” She stepped further away from him.  “Keep it down. We don’t want the whole world to know about us, remember?”_

_“No, **you** don’t want them to know, although I have no idea why. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but it seems you’re embarrassed to be with me or something.”_

_Matt and Sam exchanged awkward glances when Pidge’s face pinched up and Lance’s expression turned sour._

_“We should go meet up with your mother and the McClains and take our seats…?”_

_“Good plan, Dad.” Matt cuffed his shoulder as they scurried away._

_“We talked about this, Lance.” Pidge quieted a bit more, speaking through grit teeth and looking around to make sure no one else would overhear them or something. “If we reveal our relationship they’ll try to slander your name and paint some stupid picture that I only picked you because we’re involved. And I’m not letting anyone sully your name and capabilities as a pilot.”_

_He shoved his hands in his suit pockets and rose a brow. “While I appreciate your concern, that’s for me and me alone to worry about. Why should it matter if some idiots think it’s pilot bias? The people who actually matter who we actually care about know I earned my spot.”_

_“Lance, you won’t be doing your future career any favours if people find out,” she pressed. “There are some higher ups and donors who might even believe the slander.”_

_“We’re not doing our relationship any favours either by pretending it doesn’t exist in public,” Lance retorted sharply. “Honestly, at this point we’re in public about 90% of the time anyway, so we’re pretty much not even together, right?”_

_Pidge’s brows furrowed, something tight coiling in her chest. “…What is that supposed to mean?”_

_He shrugged. “You tell me. How far are you willing to go for us?”_

_The statement shocked her and she stared up at him, hurt. “You know I’d give up the world to be with you.”_

_“Really? Could’ve fooled me…”_

_Someone pulled them away for makeup and Pidge didn’t get a chance to respond, but that sick feeling in her stomach continued to remain long after they’d done makeup and sound checks and well after they were seated in the plush chairs in the studio and the televised interview had begun._

_Pidge went through the interview on autopilot, answering her questions about the mechanisms of the rocket and her inspiration for the project, providing any Voltron details, fake laughing at Merla’s lame jokes, and throwing some sarcastic barbs here and there that definitely spurred real laughter from the crowd. Lance was a perfect interviewee too, just the right touch of confident and self-assured without being cocky, and he was genuinely warm and charming. So much so that looking at him, joking around during their interview and grinning at each other when they shared embarrassing memories, Pidge almost forgot that they’d been fighting about something pretty intense not twenty minutes prior._

_“How great is it, guys, that two best friends got to pursue their dreams together? One building a fabulous new rocket, and the other getting to fly it! Can we give Katie Holt and Lance McClain another round of applause?” Merla addressed the audience, lifting her hands up and down as people clapped and cheered. When it wound down, she turned back to the pair on the couch. “But enough talk about this amazing new rocketship. We at ‘What’s The Scoop’ want to know all about your love lives. We know you were both in space for a good number of years and have been working tirelessly to fix the world, but have you had any time to find love and happiness? A source told us you were involved with a princess years ago, Lance?”_

_“Well, I wouldn’t say involved necessarily,” Lance shrugged, though he had a fond smile on his face. “Our travel companion, Allura, the princess? I had a massive, embarrassing crush on her. I mean so bad I came up with the cheesiest and most cringy things to say to her.”_

_“We’ve all been there, amirite?” The hostess said, glancing at the audience as several people made murmurs of agreement and nodded._

_“Good to know I’m not alone in acting like a tool,” Lance joked. “But in all seriousness, I put her on a pedestal the whole time. I wanted to be with her because she represented what I thought was riches and glory for me, which I really wanted as a teenage boy. But not so much at twenty. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great person. But she wasn’t the one for me. We went on one date and realised we didn’t work. And it actually worked out great in the end because she went off and rebuilt her planet with her fellow Alteans. So we probably wouldn’t have lasted.”_

_“Aww, poor baby.” Merla gave Lance a soft smile, batting her eyelashes just the slightest bit, and Pidge’s eye twitched. She knew that look. “Surely, you must have ended up in another relationship since then, right? That was four years ago.”_

_“I went on a few dates here and there. Had some small romances.” Lance glanced at Pidge for a moment and he held her gaze when they made eye contact. “…But no. No relationship as of now.”_

_It took everything in her power to keep her expression completely neutral. She forced herself to take deep breaths. To remember that he saying this only because she’d said she wanted it hidden._

_So why did it feel like he’d just broken up with her on live TV or something?_

_Merla leaned on the table, pressing her chest against her folded arms and giving Lance a slightly obscene look. “So what we’re really hearing ladies… is that Lieutenant Lance McClain is single and ready to mingle!”_

_Pidge turned to face the hostess, her eyes narrowing in annoyance. “He obviously didn’t say that. He’s not looking.”_

_The awkward, snippy interruption made the tittering of people in the audience die down a little too fast._

_“I-I beg your pardon?” Merla looked a little confused._

_“I…” Pidge saw Matt cringing from the audience out of the corner of her eye and he made a rapid hand gesture for her to stop. “Umm… he’s not really looking for a relationship. Maybe he has someone he’s already interested in.”_

_A twinkle appeared in her eye. “Out of the mouth of your best friend, Lance. Is that true?”_

_“Does it really matter if it’s true or not?” Pidge replied hotly. “He’s not available.”_

_“Oh?” Merla raised a brow, looking less amused and more vexed by the second. “I don’t hear him saying that.”_

_“Pidge, chill out a bit. This isn’t really a problem for someone to get so worked up about,” Lance muttered, giving her an unimpressed look. “Especially you.”_

_Okay. Fuck this._

_She’d had enough._

_“Yes, it **is** a problem! This whole secret thing is a problem! It’s making everything worse!”_

_“You’re the one who decided on it.”_

_“Only because I was scared, Lance! I lied, okay? It wasn’t about your career. It was because I’m scared if we start making it real in every aspect of our life, we’ll lose **us** and burn out before we even had a real chance!” She spun around and Lance stared at her in surprise. “It’s my first major relationship! It’s terrifying how fast we’ve gone and I know it’s such a ridiculous cliché, but that first time we had sex last week, I fell so hard, okay? There was this moment when you stared into my eyes and something clicked and I’m completely, crazy in love with you now and I don’t want to hide anymore so please don’t break up with me, Lance!”_

_There were gasps from the audience and Pidge’s face burst into colour when she realised what she’d accidentally revealed._

_On live TV._

_In front of millions of viewers._

_“O-oh my…” Merla stammered with wide eyes._

_Pidge swallowed hard. “Holy fucking shit…”_

_What did she just do?_

_Every single pair of eyes in the studio was on her. Even the cameramen were leaned over, gaping at her from behind their cameras. She could feel herself sweating, the studio so deathly quiet that she could hear her very audible swallows._

_Pidge shot to her feet and took off to run backstage._

_Except halfway across the floor, a hand caught her wrist and stopped her. Pidge spun around in distress, wanting to just go so she could crawl under a rock and hide away for the rest of her life, except Lance wasn’t letting her go._

_“Lance, let me go!” Pidge said, her throat tightening and on the verge of tears. “I just embarrassed myself on live TV! Let me go so I can jump and hide in a dumpster!”_

_“…Is everything you said true?” Lance asked instead, pulling her closer to him. “All of it?”_

_“Wh-what?”_

_“Did you mean it?”_

_She nodded, her cheeks burning with heat. “Yeah…”_

_“Good. Because I felt it that night too.” His own cheeks were also red as he cradled her face in both his hands. “I’ve really fallen in love with you. Irrevocably. I love you, Katie Holt.”_

_She stared up at him, disbelief on her face and her heart pounding violently in her chest. Was this truly real? Had Lance really fall head over heels for her, just as strongly as she’d fallen for him?_

_“I love you too,” she whispered, gazing into his affectionate azure eyes._

_“Well what the hell are you two waiting for?!” Merla shouted, practically on the edge of her seat. “Kiss already!”_

_Lance leaned down and slotted his mouth over hers and fireworks burst around Pidge like magic. There was noise all over the studio and loud applause and wild cheering, and honestly it was a little embarrassing that this had happened in front of a huge audience, but she barely paid it any mind and just kept right on kissing him._

_And it was crazy fast, but maybe there was a part of her deep down that had always kind of loved him, but Pidge was so unbelievably happy that she’d found a love like this._

_That she’d taken a chance on a crazy, stupid, love with her best friend._

 

…

 

“I didn’t know you couldn’t ice skate, Pidge. I’m sorry.”

Pidge didn’t respond, though it was because she was trying hard not to cry as opposed to her fury when this event had actually happened on their first date. A date that happened after they’d started to notice each other at work, tension building in their interactions from the way they’d skirted around each other like two idiots until Lance had finally asked her out.

It was exactly the way she remembered it. Lance’s nice pressed slacks and the clean dress shirt, her little green dress, the tear she’d gotten from that collision she’d had with the wall when she’d ended up flipping over the side. The tingling of her nerves in her body, the way Lance kept sneaking glances at her, his hand nearly brushing hers as he worked up the courage to take her hand. The blustering cold nipping at her neck because snow had gone down her coat. The corner of that playground in the park where Lance gave her his scarf.

Where they kissed for the very first time.

They approached it, just like she remembered, only this time, Pidge started to tear up. Seeing him _alive_ and healthy was overwhelming and she didn’t realise how much she’d desperately missed his presence. It hurt, knowing that carefree days before she lost him like this were distant memories now.

Lance took her hands as he came to a stop, a nervous little smile on his face. “Wh-what’s wrong, Pidge?”

She shook her head. “Nothing’s wrong. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”

His expression took on a more serious look, and he stepped closer, one hand on her cheek as he leaned down. Lance pressed his lips to hers, firm, but not aggressive and it was perfect, just the way she remembered, and she sobbed against his lips, clutching the lapels of his coat and putting as much love as she could into the kiss. She poured her years of her devotion, of her affection, of the life they’d led together into it.

Lance finally pulled away several moments later, a tuft of air leaving his lips in his surprised exhale.

“H-holy shit…” He licked his lips, looking dazed and out of breath.

She knew exactly what was coming next.

And she couldn’t stop her eyes from welling with tears again.

“Pidge. Listen. You’re all I ever think about. I know you’re my best friend but I really like you and I want to be more.” She let out another breathless sob, her heart shattering in her chest as he softly wiped the tears from her cheeks. “It took me years to realise it, but I want to give us a try. It might be the stupidest idea ever, we might be making a horrible mistake, and we could crash and burn but we won’t know unless with take a leap of faith, right? What do you say, Pidge? Me and you? A thing for real?”

Pidge clammed up, inhaling shakily and clenching her hands into fists.

All she had to do was say no.

All she had to do was turn him down.

All she had to do was end whatever _this_ was between them, stop the clock of their relationship for good…

And he’d live.

Time would reset, and Lance would live.

The Ancient had said better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but she disagreed with that. She would rather die than live another day having lost the man who she called her home. At least this way he’d always be in her life. At least she’d always see him smiling and enjoying himself and continuing his ambitions.

And she could be by his side.

He could be by _her_ side.

They’d always be friends and she’d always have the memories of the life they got to share. She’d always remember small moments she’d spent in Lance’s arms. She’d always remember the family that was never meant to be. She’d always remember feeling her babies in her womb, taking care of her precious son. She’d always have that picture.

But she knew he would eventually move on.

He would get over the heart break and talk to her again. They’d become close friends again. He’d marry someone else in the future. He’d have kids with her instead. He’d devote himself to his new wife. He’d find happiness with another woman and survive and live a healthy life to old age.

And Pidge would have a front row seat to losing the love of her life to someone else.

She took his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs and weeping softly.  She was trying hard to keep her emotions at bay, but she couldn’t.

Not for this.

“…Katie?” Lance stammered, apprehension and underlying pain in his gaze the longer she stood there staring at him. “Could I… uh, could I, you know, have a response to my confession? Please?”

She took in his face, took in his sharp jawline, those soft blue eyes, the small, nervous smile twitching on his lips, younger, but still the same man she fell in love with, and she knew she would never love another again.

Lance was her soulmate.

She couldn’t lose him.

She wouldn’t be able to deal with the heartbreak, knowing all that they had, knowing all that they could be; it would tear her apart. She wanted no one _but_ Lance. But no matter what she did, if she accepted him, she would be condemning him to die. Some way or another, Lance would meet his untimely end, and she’d lose her home again.

But was that really any worse than watching him love someone else for the rest of their lives?

_How far are you willing to go for us?_

She closed her eyes briefly, her heart twisting so tight in her chest she couldn’t breathe.

“Lance… I…”


End file.
